Ms. Ebel, school psychologist
Ms. Burja, school psychologist
Gay-Straight Alliance Tuesdays 7030 - Free food!
Project 10 Midwest - See your SST for details.
I think there are a few themes that come out of the panel. Here are themes that I have observed over the years:
First, students explain the way they not only could not choose their sexuality or gender identity but in some cases they worked actively to try to deny it and fight against it. I find it hard to imagine how difficult it must be to mentally try to be something you are not. This is an example of the difference between nature and nurture. It is very hard for them to deny their nature even if they are nurtured against it.
Second, I think that the students show a similar pattern of how difficult their relationships are in their agents of socialization. Students show how difficult it is with their families, schools, religions and even peers/friends. Being gay, bisexual or transgender often becomes a master status and creates a role conflict with all of these groups that operate under traditional gendered traits.
Another message was to be mindful about other people and especially the language we use. Think about the importance of Sapir Whorf hypothesis. Using language like "That's so gay," or "You're a fag" is hurtful to those who are gay. And, by using that language it really limits how those of us who are not gay are allowed to act and I don't want to be put into a really narrow box. There is a spectrum for gender and sex and sexuality, but our culture refuses to acknowledge the spectrum or allow anyone to live along the spectrum. Instead we are pushed into a box at one end of the spectrum; a binary, and an extreme one at that.
Finally, the panel shows the individuality of each person. Sex, gender, sexuality and gender identity all exist on a spectrum (as opposed to the narrowly defined boxes that our culture uses). The individuals on the panel exhibit their own unique identity in these categories and they have their own unique coming out process. We should be mindful of that individuality. Don't stereotype them, instead respect each person's self identity. This includes the pronouns that they use, as well as other things like their interests, hobbies, haircut and clothes.
In conclusion, I think it was incredibly courageous for these students to share their experiences. I hope you found it moving and enlightening.
If you are interested in resources or how you can help checkout:
GenderCool Project showcases remarkable stories of transgender kids.
itgetsbetter.org and stopbullying.gov
Here is the LGBT foundation.
Here's a site support for Catholics supporting inclusion.
Here is a link to the Reconciling Churches network within the Methodist Christianity.
Here is a link to the Reconciling Lutheran Christian churches.
Interviews/data from past panelists:
Me- I like girls. Raised Mormon which is like Christian but a little more commitment. Bible study and long services. I did not even know that gay was a word or a thing until 6th grade. I felt gay but didn't know what I was feeling until like 7th grade. Middle school not good. Lots of depression. By 8-9 grade, I had friends who I could talk to. Didn't plan to come out to my parents but they found my phone and came into my room yelling at me in middle of the night. They said I was just mentally ill and depressed and that it would pass once I wasn't that way. Haven't talked about it again. I have to balance different personalities at church at home and at school. I have to be a different person. It's hard. It sucks. But my friends are supportive. They
No- Came out to friends summer before senior year. Not difficult because I surround myself with people who are supportive. I came out to my parents which was difficult because I am Chinese and Catholic. My dad told me to live a double life and pretend not to be gay. My mom just wouldn't talk to me. But being in GSA and project 10 midwest helped me a lot.
Ab- Story starts around 6th grade. My friends were all boy crazy, I pretended to like a boy to overcompensate. It was 2 years and it sucked. I once thought omg - what if I am gay? And it scared the shit out of me. Luckily he turned out to be my best friend. 4 years later I thought about it again but this time it stuck. I freaked out. I didn't want to upset my family. I thought I would stay in the closet because I didn't want to stress my parents. But they were very cool about it. Took me a year to come out to my friends but it was so hard. I was lying to them. I would say I was going to art club but it was GSA. GSA helped me because I saw this loving community (importance of nurture and community). I thought at first that I had to be out there as gay, but in time I learned that its ok to be yourself who happens to be gay rather than just gay. "I'm gay but I also like pancakes."
Am (she/her)- very religious household. Makes it difficult. Theater kid. Join theater if you are gay. Do whatever you want, but know that theater is safe. Slurs - British English fag is a cigarette and they used to burn people who are gay.
Vi (He/him)-
Born into wrong body, but family already had strong feelings: pink, dresses, dolls. I felt awkward from a young age. Throughout puberty, I was very dysphoric. I wanted to wear board shorts and t-shirt over a bikini. Felt like I got a lot of looks, but I just came up with excuses. Health unit glossed over transgender unit - but I went to internet and read about it. It made sense to me. It was nice to have a word to describe me. I cut my hair short. Grandma was against this and that put my family against me and lead me to be depressed. I was tired of feeling like this so I went to therapy. I am happier because I can be who I want to be. Starting T soon (testosterone). Excited for that.
Je (she/her)-
Demi sexual. Must have an emotional bond to be sexually attracted to someone (but not family or friends). I found the word looking up demise and demi-sexually came up and I felt like it explained how I had been feeling. Having a word to describe the way I was feeling was important. People ask about whether someone looks hot or sexy, but it doesn't come across that way to me. My mom was very accepting and she said it sounds like me. Still overwhelming to tell her. I never understood hookup culture. I have had a few relationships but they are lasting.
Q: For panel, how are words labels important in either good ways or bad ways?
S (she/her) –
Identity comes from many things. Some things you can change or can’t change. Sexual identity is similar. Some people make assumptions about you, some don’t.
All the way through 5th grade, I kept a diary. It started very traditional “I like ponies” and gradually changed to “why does everyone want me to have a boyfriend?” As time goes on you question these parts of their identities. I didn’t realize that girls can be gay until 15. But that is not the largest part of my identity. (Master status). My sexuality is
Q: do you feel that society overemphasizes sexuality?
Ma (she/her)-
First time I realized I was not straight is 5th grade. Family is very conservative. “Gay people are damned to hell,” lead to medication, and unhealthy coping mechanisms, hospitalization and depression. With help through therapy realized I was bisexual. Had a best friend who I came out to, but she did not take it well. Fr year I told my best friend and she outed me. At the time it was really hard for me because she outed me. As a soph, a guy thought that he could turn me straight and he sexually assaulted me. I was with a boy who was taking advantage of me. He was convinced that he could turn me straight. And he made me think I was wrong. That was a set back. It took me a long time to realize that I was sexually assaulted and it wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t because of who I am. I have met some great friends now and a really supportive LGBTQ community I play softball so I hear a lot of dyke jokes. and people had called me a dyke because of softball. This just made it more complicated because I was already dealing with identity issues. Maybe people aren’t as accepting as I thought they’d be. “Everything is gay!”
Q: coming out on my own terms,but never really got to to do it my way.
Q: was this pejorative joking?
H-
Started telling friends a couple years ago. Built it up. And invited friends out like a big reveal. I originally told them I was bisexual, then gay, then no labels, but overall never really changed.
Q: “just in case you decide to be straight”
Q: why so difficult to come to terms with what you were? You? Society? (Sapir Whorf)
Really, sexuality never changed just the words that I use to describe it have changed. I told my sister, it was fine, but I was worried to tell my parents. I had to tell my dad to avoid the awkwardness. My dad accepted but my mom had trouble with it. Mom asked me awkward questions, but in the end I felt very liberated. I lost a lot of people I care about – I even have a whole side of my family that won’t even talk to me. On me and my twin sister’s bday, I don’t get a call from my grandma but my sis does.
D-
Around middle school, everyone kind of knew before me. I talked to a lot of girls, but I was more feminine. (binary problems) 13-14 is too young to really understand it. I told parents and parents said it’s just a phase. Parents have an outline/plan for their kids. Just came out on social media. Coming out – socially first because SHS is overall supportive. Fr-JR was really hard. Fr. Year was awful, but then I thought bi first bc safety net. Jr. year I was more coming to terms. I didn’t tell my mom, but I still didn’t tell my dad. Coming out doesn’t get easier, it gets better. SHS is a good place.
Q: Safety net?
But senior year was really good. Surrounded by a good community. Surround yourself with people who make you happy. Be you, even if you are weird as hell.
A-
Fr year was really hard – depression but I was dealing with sexual identity.
“We know.”
Q: How to react to those who come out to you.
A lot of difficulty was with being Asian (intersectionality).
LGBTQ is not discussed in Asian society.
Overall, process is hard because you have to come out every single day.
Q: explain coming out every single day.
Can’t have a discussion about these things in my family. Very difficult.
Process is easier if you meet others like you.
Q: Queer as a label?
Importance of words as a label – (Sapir Whorf).
J-
I am gay. I came out 2 years ago. I came out to my mom. And she said this is horrible, this is a phase. My sister was like I’m so happy! So weird. Hardest to come out to my team. We change together. But they were really cool about it. I don’t tell everyone in my family. At Rosh hashanah How many matza balls in your soup? None! But grandma doesn’t catch on. Some people are weird about it, but overall surrounded by really good people.
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